|i never update anymore
||[Mar. 13th, 2011|02:09 pm]
sorry any LJ friends or lurkers out there... I just never seem to have the time/energy.|
In the two months since I've written...
I passed the insurance exam and got a raise -- but I still make no money. Matt and I are broke all the time and it's not because we spend frivolously (we do buy a little more wine than we should, but Matt gets a huge discount). It's because we make just barely enough to cover expenses and debt (and we have no savings) so when something comes up (tires on the car, giant heating bill because it's winter) there's just never enough money. And I HATE money. I hate having to think about it and worry about it and the feeling of wanting more of it. I hate all of that. But, that's where we are now.
I am studying now for my Series 7 which I am going to take the first week of May. I'll then have about 2.5 months to study for the bar... which I should be allowed to take this summer. That is going to be awkward as hell being in Columbus by myself for three days amongst the class that graduated a year after me... it's going to feel like I failed fifth grade or something. So weird. I am still nervous that I won't get approved at the last second again because of my terrible credit right now. And I only have bad credit because I spent nine months unemployed because I was studying for a test I wasn't allowed to take and no one in Columbus bothered to tell me for THREE fucking months. So, really, I'd like it to be their fault.
If I don't get to take the July Bar, then I think we will just move out west and I'll try again out there. I am getting some really good experience now and our COO said she would help me get a job anywhere. I should be making SO much more than I am right now and I am currently working sixty fucking hours/week.
I hate this feeling that I "deserve" better... but go fucking damn it. I did everything right. I never got in trouble/caught in high school. I studied my ass off. I got through a private high school, college, and law school on full scholarships and with the best fucking grades possible. I worked full-time almost the whole time since I was 16. I see my mother at least once a week, I send birthday cards to my grandma, I wash my own dishes, I clean the lint from the dryer, and I always say "bless you" when someone sneezes. And because I fucked up for two god-damn hours one drunken night ONE FUCKING TIME, I feel like I am about 18 months behind on life and I will NEVER make enough money to catch up what I have lost. It just fucking sucks.
No one said life was going to be fair, and I get that. But if you try really hard and do the right thing and still get fucked over, what's the point of trying that hard?
I am so in a rut right now. Thank god spring is coming. I need to go hiking or something. I just need... out of this stifling work-sleep-work schedule. It's all gray and rainy and cold outside.
Here comes the sun.